To begin, let’s reframe “hostile client.” This term is used because it is a term practitioners are searching for. Let’s sit with what might result in someone becoming “hostile”. Let’s do it in a word: powerless.
We’ve all had to do things we don’t want to do. Whether it’s a trip to the DMV, standing in line at the post office during the holidays, or going to the dentist. When we face these challenges, we may not always bring our best attitude. Why? Because we are feeling powerless over the situation, and we need to get a need met. (Ring a bell?)
When working with people in a therapeutic or educational setting, they may also feel hostile, frustrated, stressed, and on. Why might these feelings surface? Because they are likely feeling powerless to get a need met.
In these moments, how do we start to build rapport? When we face “challenging” clients and difficult situations, what is the best way to get rapport back on track and move our work with the person forward?
Diffusing Tense Situations
Now let’s reframe “handling” as: responding. When we are met with the energy and feelings that result in the label of “hostile” being placed on another human, we want to be responsive to support them in returning to balance.
Many clients are mandated into our space. Whether it’s required counseling, substance recovery, probation reporting, or educational counseling, we may see people who, for one reason or another, must be there (whether they like it or not). Ever feel that way at the DMV, the Post Office, the dentist?
These mandated client relationships can still lead to positive outcomes if we set clear boundaries and work to find common ground – if we partner with the client.
We all have frustrations, especially when faced with situations that feel outside our control. It makes sense that every client isn’t going to be in the best mood when they arrive at our office. Similarly, they’re bringing all of their experiences with them. They could have had a tough situation or negative experience with a previous provider or fear about their appointment.
In quite a few cases, outside sources of stress can contribute to the way a client presents themselves to a service provider. For example, maybe they are recovering from substance addiction and actively experiencing withdrawal, maybe they are in pain or don’t feel well. Perhaps they didn’t have enough to eat that morning (ever been hangry?) or faced a stressful transportation situation to get to the appointment. (Ever experience one of these situations yourself? Waited on a city bus?) Despite our best efforts, the immediate response we get isn’t likely to be positive.
It’s important that we lead with empathy. First step: QTIP (quit taking it personally). When someone walks into the office or meeting space and doesn’t seem particularly enthusiastic about being there, that moment isn’t about you. That said, all the moments to come will be in part about how you respond.
It can help to make some guesses as to why a person is disgruntled, discombobulated, or “hostile.” These guesses can lead to expressions of empathy. While we can never know what it’s like to be another human, we can guess. We can guess how the client is feeling, experiencing and start to move the interaction in a positive, helpful direction. Start to see it from their point of view and tap into our best communication skills to work toward effective solutions and take the next steps toward a helpful encounter.
When we hold space by practicing Motivational Interviewing (MI), we evoke change talk to empower our clients to work towards the positive shifts they want to make in their lives. But our conversations don’t start right off by evoking change talk. In fact, evoking change talk is not indicated when someone’s lid is flipped. Instead, we lead with empathy and partnership to build engagement and rapport. These positive responses to a “hostile” client can help diffuse negative emotions and build a better outcome. Expressions of empathy support the person to feel heard, seen, and felt which typically supports people to get into their thinking-through things brain and re-lid their popped top.
For example, imagine a client is voluntarily coming to a medical care appointment, but they seem agitated and nervous. The way we would break through isn’t by suggesting they “calm down”—in fact, that will likely have the opposite effect.
Instead, we break through by acknowledging how they feel. “I noticed things are bumpy for you this morning. (An expression of empathy). Can you tell me what’s going on?” (An offer of support for them to share what’s up!)
When they start to share, we listen to their answers carefully and intentionally. Hold space for them, empathize, and they will begin to settle in. The real issue is often that a person feels frustrated or powerless in their situation. But when we demonstrate that we feel, hear, and see them and create a safe space, we can start to guide the interaction toward a positive end despite its bumpy beginning.
Using MI in “Hostile” Situations
When we apply the principles of Motivational Interviewing, we become more aware of traps and discord (bumpiness, turbulence) that can cause the conversation to get even bumpier.
Here are some common traps that are helpful to be aware of as practitioners. These conversational traps can result in discord and further “hostility” in our interactions.
- Question & Answer Trap: When we struggle to create a safe space for our clients, we may find ourselves defaulting to a pattern of question, answer, question, answer with our clients. As we try to get them to share, we may find ourselves using questions to push the person, which makes the discussion feel more like a gentle interrogation than a supportive and empowering space.
- Confrontation & Denial Trap: This conversational trap can happen when we’re working with someone who argues with each statement. This results in verbal wrestling—one person argues, and the other counters back. Typically, this is coming from someone who has experienced moments of powerlessness, who have experienced Trauma. They may be testing the practitioner to see if they will reject them or hurt them. Taking a Healing-Focused approach can start to help ease the situation so rapport can build and grow.
- Expert Trap: We may fall into this trap when we start giving a client direction without taking the time to learn about them. This means we’re not experiencing them as self-experts who can determine their own path. Often, the result is that a client may listen to the suggestions and placate the practitioner without truly taking the ideas to heart. They may respond passive-aggressively. It’s important to recognize that the expert trap is the opposite of empowerment.
- Labeling Trap: Labels can often carry stigma. When we label someone as an “addict” or a “felon,” we’re confining them to a single story rather than recognizing their full identity. Naturally, people resist labeling, and it makes the interaction much less effective.
- Premature Focus: This type of conversational trap happens when practitioners dive right into topics without considering whether or not the client is ready to share and open up. Many sensitive topics can take time to discuss. As we’re building rapport in conversations, we’re fostering a safe space where a person can eventually share more fully and openly.
- Blame or Shame Trap: When we’re working with a client, we may hear them blame others for their problems. In response, we may (implicitly or explicitly) shame the person or point out how their difficulties are at least partially their fault. This immediately creates a defensive and retreating reaction. Shaming and blaming result in walls, while empathy breaks down walls.
It’s important that we recognize our own triggers as practitioners, too. When people show up grumpy or display certain behaviors, it can cause us to have an immediate reaction, resulting in us falling into the above traps.
Instead, we can take a step back and work on being compassionately accountable. Acknowledge what the person is feeling, saying something like, “I’m noticing that this conversation is currently unhelpful. (Share our feelings in a professional, objective manner.) I want to be a support to you. (Express our desire for the conversation.) That will be up to you. (A recognition of autonomy/choice.) How can we make this conversation more of a conversation?” (Partnering question.)
When You Hit an Impasse
Sometimes, there are times when you and a client just can’t seem to click. Is there ever a time when you should end a client relationship? Can all relationships be saved?
We should always feel safe, so of course, if there’s a threat of violence where we feel we’re in danger, it may be time to transition the case to someone else.
As service providers, we shouldn’t “fire” clients without ensuring they have some type of support, but there are times that arise when it’s necessary to transition the client to someone who may be a better fit to support them. We should do our best to support them during that transition.
Healthy boundaries are another element of compassion. As Brené Brown shares, “Boundaries are hard, and yet they’re required to be compassionate. I’m not as nice as I used to be, but I’m far more kind.”
In most cases, however, there is room to guide the conversation and get the relationship back on track. By responding with empathy, avoiding some of the conversational traps that can cause discord and doing our healing work, we can create a safe space to empower our clients toward the positive changes they seek in their lives.
For more guidance on Motivational Interviewing, Trauma-Informed Care, and other skills to support our fellow humans, please explore our website. If you or your team are seeking guidance and continuing education, please reach out!